7 Types of Players You Will Find in EVERY Men’s League

I don’t care what Men’s League or Beer League you play for, you WILL find these 7 types of players.

The Energizer Bunny

He’s good, he’s fast, he can dangle. But there’s one problem. HE NEVER GETS THE FUCK OFF THE ICE. This guy is banging out 30 minute shifts like it ain’t no thing. You can yell CHANGE! at the top of your lungs, bang the boards with your stick until it breaks, and jerk off the door handle as loud as humanly possible and this tool will STILL prance right by you and pretend he’s deaf or mentally retarded. He just keeps going and going. You know when this guy get’s off the ice? After he scores six goals and finally realizes everyone around him wants to murder him. The best part about this guy is that he’ll be the first to tell YOU when you’ve been out there for more than a minute!

The Mental Case

This is the dude that thinks Men’s League is his own personal version of the NHL. This guy is usually middle-aged, sexually frustrated, hates his job, sucks at hockey, and is OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND. If you touch him he WILL talk shit, he WILL slash you, he WILL try and lay you out in a non-checking league. This guy throws a temper tantrum and instigates a fight after every goal scored against his team. You can find him breaking his bullshit $30 wood stick over the boards, and talking trash to you through his full-cage helmet from 1983. It’s funny because this guy cares SO MUCH to the point where he would die for his beer league team, yet he’s usually suspended so much that he only actually plays in half the games.

The Old Guy

This is the old-timer, I’m talking 60+ years old, that still laces up the skates and goes out there and gives it his all. This guy isn’t playing in some senior league, he’s out there bustin’ his old ass balls with the young guns. Even though 11 out of 10 times this guy does nothing to help your team, you gotta respect the dude’s hustle. When you see this guy, everyone always says the same thing “I want to be that guy when I’m old.” This is the guy that gives everyone hope that they can still lace em up even when death is a couple blue lines away. And for that we thank you.

The School Kid

This is that little teenage dirt bag that reminds you how out of shape you’ve gotten since high school. He usually shows up to the rink with his little puck slut girlfriend to cheer him on as he rips circles around middle-aged men for two hours. You can find him wearing his jersey from some select team or private school, slamming his stick on the ice and crying if he misses a single shot. “Dammit! That should have been my 12th goal! I’m so bad today!” Shut the fuck up you little prick before I break you in half.

The Guy that Can’t Skate

This is the clown that started skating a year or two ago. This guy has the heart of a lion. He’ll throw his face in front of a slap shot, he’ll sit the bench for as long as you need him too, he knows everything about hockey, he’s an absolute team player. This makes up a little for his garbage hockey skills but it’s hard to watch this guy get undressed by every player in the league because he’s the nicest guy in the locker room. This guy tries so hard, and fails even harder.

The Girl

This chick isn’t flashy. She’s smart, she’s a play maker, she forechecks and backchecks, she passes, she doesn’t make mistakes. Do any of the guys try to go balls out against her? No. Does she take advantage of our stupidness? Yes. This chick wants you to go after her, that’s why she’s out there guys. Forget that she’s a girl and just body her up, cause if you don’t she will make you look stupid and every guy on the ice will let you know when she does.

The Gordon Bombay

This guy is usually passed his glory days when he used to be the best on his high school team, college team, select team, or whatever. This guy has endless stories about how great he was and could have went pro but somehow can’t score a single goal in men’s league. This guy has a million excuses as to why he can’t score anymore and fills the holes in his hockey game with brand spankin’ new gear. “Maybe if I have a $200 stick my shot will come back”. Don’t count on it buddy. He’s the one that tells everyone else what to do like he knows everything when he hasn’t scored a goal in 20 games.  Keep dreamin buddy.

The Good Guy

This dude can out wheel, out dangle, and out snipe anyone on the ice at any given moment. But that moment never comes because this guy doesn’t give a flying fuck about men’s league. He gives about 0.000001% effort and plays “just for fun”. He doesn’t care if the team wins or not. He’s here to drink beers and to get a little exercise. Then he hits the ice in some real league and lights it up. After writing that, this guy is kind of a douche as much as he is nice.

Like that?…Here’s Part 2!!!

46 thoughts on “7 Types of Players You Will Find in EVERY Men’s League

  1. Excellent premise, superbly written.

    This how no place on the internet.

    Seriously, submit it to Cracked.com. It might need some editing to fit their format, but it seems to be in their vein.

  2. HAS no place…

    That’s why I am not a writer, or an editor.

  3. Haha thanks for the support homie. I’ll get on that tomorrow sounds like a really good idea!

  4. Id just like to note that “This is what my kids think I do” is getting denied by Marty #HailSatan #DevilsArmy #NJDevils

  5. I play hockey with that actual “old guy” that is pictured. His name is Artie and he’s 83.

  6. Pingback: HIGH ACTION HOCKEY | Men’s League: You’re Doing it Wrong

  7. Pretty awesome stuff here. A few other types I’ve come across:

    – The Guy Who Comes Late Every Week
    – The Guy Whose Gear Smells Even Worse Than Normal Gear
    – The Guy Who Brings an Entire Cheering Section … and is Horrible
    – The Guy Who Swears He Wants to Play D But Pinches on Every Play
    – The Guy Who’s Best Friends With the Other Team

    … to name a few.

  8. What jersey is that chick wearing?

  9. By “go after her”, do you mean on the ice or off the ice? – If it is the latter, I’ve wasted a lot of time treating these people like regular teammates.

  10. Don’t forget the guy who always forgets shit!! Anyone got an extra cup?!

  11. Dead on. My one addition, the “got any tape bud” guy. Of course I have tape. I have actually started stocking enough tape for both you and I because for the last 20 years we’ve played together you have never actually brought tape.

  12. Pingback: HIGH ACTION HOCKEY | Men’s League Player Poops in Other Player’s Glove. Promptly Get’s Banned For Life.

  13. Summed up our New Zealand Non checking league!

  14. There was this young kid with good skills, would always play rougher than us old guys. I grabbed his cage one night, pulled him close and told him “I used to fuck guys like you in Prison”…I had alot more ice after that.

  15. My favorite dressing room line:
    “Anyone have any tape?? No? Ok guess I’ll use my own”

  16. Don’t forget the guy who borrows your shampoo!

  17. Don’t forget about the guy who shows up and didn’t get his skates sharpened, it’s usually one fo the poor skaters!

  18. The guy who doesn’t drink that you’ve played with for 7 years and never said more than “What’s up man!” to during that entire period.

    The angry gear packer after a loss

    The guy who bitches out the goalie after a 3 on 0 goal is scored

    The guy with the obnoxious cheering section. Will usually start a fight after he misses the net for the 300th time during the game since he’s worried he won’t get laid.

    The aggressive net crasher. As a goalie I hate this dude the most. I’ve got the puck covered and he comes flying in like a bat out of hell jabbing his stick into my chest and he wonders why he gets punched in the face by both me and one of my teammates.

  19. The guy who storms off the ice with 1 minute left in a close game because he didn’t get the call he wanted. This guy is the only guy who doesn’t shake hands with the other team after the game and is already changed out and gone by the time the team gets to the dressing room.

  20. The guy on your team who “used to play” competitive hockey and now is the resident expert. You will pass the puck up to him through three players on the other team and it will be 6 inches out of his reach so he won’t even go for it. Just skates a circle and turns around. His point- you suck. His pro buddies would have had it on his tape. Also known as the cherry picker, no back checking. Too good for it.

  21. 1. The guy that always borrows your skate stone or prong even though he usually he usually is a ditch digger and/or waddles around like a half baked penguin

    2. The guy who tries to act so non chalant about everything and tries to make the no look breakaway pass from behind his net so he can brag about it to his ratchet broad after the game even though his pass completion is about 17%

    3 the guy who comes flazed as shiet to the game , baked off his ass from the bc bud and is jus happy he managed to remember all his gear

    4 the guy that buys all the newest flashiest new gear and intimidates teh fuck out of you. But once this 42 yr old duster hits the ice you realize that the guy is a complete pook who doesn’t even know how to use a stick, let alone his prized RBZ or whatever pro stock twig he bought cause he is such a tryhard

  22. #8 The Pussy – The guy who thinks every time he gets bumped into or poked its a cross check or slash and flips out on the ref.

  23. Pingback: HIGH ACTION HOCKEY | 7 Types of Players You Will Find in EVERY Men’s League (Part 2)

  24. Pretty spot on :-). Great f*ckin work, bud.

    -“The Good Guy”

  25. “The Screamer”- The guy who lets you know, on the ice, the very SECOND that you “made a mistake”, meaning you went left (or not left) with the puck, violating what he had planned for you to do in his mind’s eye, since hockey IQ-wise he’s 3 steps ahead of you: Just ask him. Playing with this ass-clown reduces hockey to the level of getting a parking ticket.

  26. Wow, I can’t be leave know one mentioned the guy who always drinks the most beer but never buys !!!

  27. Add to the girl.
    She usually dresses in the mens dressing room. you almost always fantasize that she will take it all of while changing, but she never does. if your lucky you’ll see her sports bra for a second.
    you think: “she is prob a dike but I’d totally tap that”.

  28. Then there is the super slow skater, who because he’s so slow never gets tired so he stays on the ice.

  29. The guy you played with for ten years who passes the puck to your right and you shoot left.

  30. I got my little brother into hockey so if i dont have any tape i steal his……

  31. Pingback: HIGH ACTION HOCKEY | 6 Reasons Your Girl Hates Men’s League

  32. You forgot about the guy who thinks the NHL scouts are in the stands and he still has a chance to play in the NHL even though he is 48 years old.

  33. Excellent article, great suggestions for Part 2. I’d like to add the goalie who is so fat that he rarely goes down to stop a low shot, because it’s so hard for him to get back up… 🙂

  34. Pingback: Honey Badger Hockey League | A picture is worth a thousand words, err Pucks

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