I don’t care what Men’s League or Beer League you play for, you WILL find these 7 types of players.
The Energizer Bunny
He’s good, he’s fast, he can dangle. But there’s one problem. HE NEVER GETS THE FUCK OFF THE ICE. This guy is banging out 30 minute shifts like it ain’t no thing. You can yell CHANGE! at the top of your lungs, bang the boards with your stick until it breaks, and jerk off the door handle as loud as humanly possible and this tool will STILL prance right by you and pretend he’s deaf or mentally retarded. He just keeps going and going. You know when this guy get’s off the ice? After he scores six goals and finally realizes everyone around him wants to murder him. The best part about this guy is that he’ll be the first to tell YOU when you’ve been out there for more than a minute!
The Mental Case
This is the dude that thinks Men’s League is his own personal version of the NHL. This guy is usually middle-aged, sexually frustrated, hates his job, sucks at hockey, and is OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND. If you touch him he WILL talk shit, he WILL slash you, he WILL try and lay you out in a non-checking league. This guy throws a temper tantrum and instigates a fight after every goal scored against his team. You can find him breaking his bullshit $30 wood stick over the boards, and talking trash to you through his full-cage helmet from 1983. It’s funny because this guy cares SO MUCH to the point where he would die for his beer league team, yet he’s usually suspended so much that he only actually plays in half the games.
The Old Guy
This is the old-timer, I’m talking 60+ years old, that still laces up the skates and goes out there and gives it his all. This guy isn’t playing in some senior league, he’s out there bustin’ his old ass balls with the young guns. Even though 11 out of 10 times this guy does nothing to help your team, you gotta respect the dude’s hustle. When you see this guy, everyone always says the same thing “I want to be that guy when I’m old.” This is the guy that gives everyone hope that they can still lace em up even when death is a couple blue lines away. And for that we thank you.
The School Kid
This is that little teenage dirt bag that reminds you how out of shape you’ve gotten since high school. He usually shows up to the rink with his little puck slut girlfriend to cheer him on as he rips circles around middle-aged men for two hours. You can find him wearing his jersey from some select team or private school, slamming his stick on the ice and crying if he misses a single shot. “Dammit! That should have been my 12th goal! I’m so bad today!” Shut the fuck up you little prick before I break you in half.
The Guy that Can’t Skate
This is the clown that started skating a year or two ago. This guy has the heart of a lion. He’ll throw his face in front of a slap shot, he’ll sit the bench for as long as you need him too, he knows everything about hockey, he’s an absolute team player. This makes up a little for his garbage hockey skills but it’s hard to watch this guy get undressed by every player in the league because he’s the nicest guy in the locker room. This guy tries so hard, and fails even harder.
This chick isn’t flashy. She’s smart, she’s a play maker, she forechecks and backchecks, she passes, she doesn’t make mistakes. Do any of the guys try to go balls out against her? No. Does she take advantage of our stupidness? Yes. This chick wants you to go after her, that’s why she’s out there guys. Forget that she’s a girl and just body her up, cause if you don’t she will make you look stupid and every guy on the ice will let you know when she does.
The Gordon Bombay
This guy is usually passed his glory days when he used to be the best on his high school team, college team, select team, or whatever. This guy has endless stories about how great he was and could have went pro but somehow can’t score a single goal in men’s league. This guy has a million excuses as to why he can’t score anymore and fills the holes in his hockey game with brand spankin’ new gear. “Maybe if I have a $200 stick my shot will come back”. Don’t count on it buddy. He’s the one that tells everyone else what to do like he knows everything when he hasn’t scored a goal in 20 games. Keep dreamin buddy.
The Good Guy
This dude can out wheel, out dangle, and out snipe anyone on the ice at any given moment. But that moment never comes because this guy doesn’t give a flying fuck about men’s league. He gives about 0.000001% effort and plays “just for fun”. He doesn’t care if the team wins or not. He’s here to drink beers and to get a little exercise. Then he hits the ice in some real league and lights it up. After writing that, this guy is kind of a douche as much as he is nice.
Like that?…Here’s Part 2!!!