Men’s League: You’re Doing it Wrong

What NOT to do when you’re playing men’s league hockey.

Over Celebrating

You scored a goal? Great. Act like you’ve been there before. You look like a clown over celebrating a men’s league goal. Who are you trying to impress anyway? The two middle aged wives in the bleachers with their kids here to watch daddy play some puck? Congratulations, you went bar down on some fat ass goalie that just finished polishing off a 30-rack and a meat-lovers pizza before the game. Someone call the scouts, I think you might be the next Gretzky. Said nobody. A simple fist pump and a pat on the back will do.

Okay:

Not okay:

Forgetting the Beers

Men’s league hockey without beer is a lot like having sex with a condom on…it’s just not as good. If you say you got the beers then you better have got the beers. If you don’t have the beers, go get the beers. Simple.

Hey guys I forgot the beers…

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Goalie Doesn’t Show Up

If you are a men’s league goalie then you are in a binding contract that requires you to be at every game. I don’t care if your house burnt down, your dog got ran over, or the wheels of your car fell off. Find a way to get to the game or I will hate you forever. Nothing kills a buzz faster than getting suited up for a game just to find out that your goalie didn’t show up and you have to forfeit to a couple scrubs.

Arguing a Call

If you’re going to argue a call keep it short and don’t cause a fucking scene. If your argument is longer than “that was a bullshit call”, kill yourself. I’m serious. There is no hope for you anymore after that point. High school is over bro, college is history, let it go. It’s men’s league. Are you really going to yell at a guy reffing men’s league hockey? The dude’s life sucks already. Leave him alone. Get the fuck in the box, shut your face, and get back out there and play like a man.

Bringing Drama into the Locker Room

I’m here to slug beers and play hockey. Simple as that. I don’t care how much you hate your job, girlfriend, wife, parents, or whatever. Sorry but I just don’t give a fuck. If you have a problem with someone else on the team take it outside cause no one’s got time for that shit. Keep the topics to hockey, booze, chicks, and other related bro talk.

Forgetting the Water Bottles

Not as bad as forgetting the beers, but dying on the ice from dehydration isn’t exactly on the top of my list of things to do. Your team will get over it eventually, but for the next 60 minutes you have to watch everyone slowly pass out knowing that you’re the jackass that forgot the water bottles. Not cool bro.

Throwing Cheap Shots

You might be mad, and the guy you’re mad at might be an absolute douche. But never stoop low enough to throw a cheap shot his way. Fighting is one thing because it takes two to fight, but taking a guy out in men’s league is embarrassing and stupid. At the end of the day we’re all going to work in the morning. I don’t want to show up for work hurting because some crazy asshole decided to take a stick to my face or a knee to my kidney for trash talking him in some beer league hockey. How do I explain that to my boss?

Like that? Here’s 7 TYPES OF PLAYERS YOU WILL FIND IN EVERY MEN’S LEAGUE

and… Men’s League Player Poops in Other Player’s Glove. Promptly Get Banned For Life

112 thoughts on “Men’s League: You’re Doing it Wrong

  1. I love this. I’ve got some other guys NOT to be in the beer leagues.

  2. you try way too hard. ill celly anyway I want. plz continue with the girls blogs and reactions gifs. hoser.

  3. my guesses are starvish, zabicki, or johnny haha. First guess, Starvish. suck on deez nuts.

  4. And what is a plug?

  5. I have a small beef with the goalie thing. Being a goalie, if I’ve payed my dues for the league, I’m under no more obligation to show up to a game than anyone else who paid their dues. Shit happens – I always try to get a backup to play for me, but emergencies happen.

  6. You have to watch out for the guys that don’t know how to play hockey and the HOUSE LEAUGE HEROS, Those are the guy that DONT know the code.

  7. No beer, that’z the worst hahaha.

  8. Adding one more – taking a dive to draw a call

  9. Shitting your britches on the ice is another thing you probably should not do!

  10. Wow…nice msg board this is. Shut this one down administrator….pls. Any board where there’s a handle of “Whiffy McSlapShot” should be shut down for good. Good talk on this one, losers.

  11. Everyone reading this right now is an asshole.

  12. I think that low interest rates will wreak havoc on the economy in the long run.

  13. You forgot ‘Deke your beer-league goalie in warmup’. Assholes.

  14. This is some fuckin nancy ass bullshit. Sack up and go play the game you fuckin kook. You’re worried about water bottles, beer, and trash talking? You might wanna try another sport, fuckin guy.

  15. You forgot the one about making a blog telling people how to play men’s league. No one should ever do that.

  16. funny thing I did the Artie snipe on a huge Rangers fan goalie lol felt like an idiot after but funny at the time

  17. I think you are all disgusting! Grow up and act like men. If any of you are coaches, you are very poor examples just from your language alone, and you shouldn’t be! This article is appropriate for you all!

  18. If you’re angry with the writer its because you’re that dude. Just FYI, 90% of your league thinks you’re an asshole if you’re that dude.

  19. I am a goalie and I was playing in a lousy pick up game with a bunch of hackers on a Friday night. One guy kept coming and trying to jam the puck loose with his stick after I covered it up with my glove. The first time I ignored it. The second time I warned him and the third time my goalie stick came up into his neck along with a very stern warning. He never came close to me for the rest of the game and I heard he quit the game. Loser

  20. This pretty much went viral dude. Nice job. Awesome post.

  21. Best article I have ever read. Spot on with everything, great stuff.

  22. I ran a mens league and I’m a female. I watched for yrs men cry about penalties, game times, referees and what locker room they would get. It made me laugh to think you all worry about lame ass shit just to win a mens league tee shirt or hat. Half of you shouldn’t be on the ice, your lucky if you can tie your own skates. None of you want to enjoy the game you’d rather bring in ringers to help your lame ass team win the “Stanley Cup” , lie, cheat and steal for WHAT? Bragging rights that no one will remember next season. Only you will remember because you have a walnut for a brain. I’ll go watch my 6 yr old grandson play…those kids enjoy playing the game.

    • Well said, my wife used to be a hockey director. We shared an office when I was the ops manager at the rink and the steady stream of single minded adult men that would come through the door to protest or debate something was insane. “Yes, I realize my player two handed the guy in the mouth with his stick then spit on him as he lay on the ice bleeding, but he’s really, really sorry. Why can’t he play tomorrow night? We really need him.”

    • Did you take your clothes off in the changeroom with the rest of the guys?

  23. As a beer league Goalie – I did play while my house was burning down – litterally.

    My neighbors showed up in the middle of my game – told my my house was on fire. I said I would be there as soon as the game was over. Continued Playing. (Figured I had my Goal gear on – which was the first thing I would have tried to save anyways).

    Cops showed up 15 minutes later and ended the game – they said they needed me at the fire.

    Turns out the roofing company working on my roof had screwed up earlier that day – and they were the cause of the fire.

  24. I like salsa yum yum yum

  25. You forgot : Coaching other players. Either everyone there is a has-been or never been. Nobody wants to come out and be screamed at for “being out of position” or “not hustling”. Half the guys out there never played as kids because their parents were too fucking cheap to enroll them. Now they’re adults learning the game, and have no idea what you mean when you scream ” puck possession” or ” backcheck” at them. It’s beer league, we’re all there to get out of the house, get some exercise, and skull a few pints after!

  26. I sent this to most of my hockey buddies! For the update, be sure to add some thoughts about line changes. :)

  27. hahahaha awesome. Perfect.

  28. I’m a ref… my life sucks???? :(

  29. This blog kills me, fucking bang on with the material and I love all the haters jealous you beat them to the idea of posting this! Whether you take this literal or just for shits and giggles, why cry about it on an online forum? Although some of the comments were fucking jokes as well except for the small minded ass hats who turn to homophobic slurs cause their small mind was overheated due to the previous comment! Cheers boys, keep your sticks on the ice!

  30. Love it! You hit the nail on the head for my beer league play. Don’t mind the haters.

  31. These comments all have to be posted on a different blog. They are amazing. Confirming every stereotype of hockey bros ever.

  32. You forgot to make sure someone immediately hip checks the European douche who joined the beer league. He comes complete with the foreign ads on his pants…yeah that guy. Should get blasted first shift. Welcome to America dude.

  33. Also, how about just wear your team’s jersey or a solid color close to it instead of a jersey of where your cousin played hockey because one look at you and WE KNOW you never actually played for Maine. And if you have tiny numbers on your helmet or skates just leave immediately.

  34. All common sense. Read The Pucking Files!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s serious beer league shit.

  35. I just retired… first beer league game I am going to spear the first asshole that reminds me of any one of u dicks in the face. then I am going to pull down my gitch and take a shit at centre ice. I don’t want to play this sport anymore after reading this. You all suck cock

  36. How about not hanging at the other team’s blue line and get back to play a little D? I hate Hangers.

  37. Good article. Should be posted in every locker room as a reminder.

    The comments, although most unrelated and many juvenile, had me LOL! The trash-talking testosterone competitive spirit is still alive in the mens beer league hockey player.

    P.S. I know, I know, … my mother, my wife, my boyfriend, …
    Ha, Ha, Ha! So original.

  38. Pingback: HIGH ACTION HOCKEY | Men’s League Player Poops in Other Player’s Glove. Promptly Get’s Banned For Life.

  39. We need tips I’m how to leave the wife at home during games, embarrassing having a nagging wife along blog would be a nice addition.

  40. Pingback: HIGH ACTION HOCKEY | 6 Reasons Your Girl Hates Men’s League

  41. Hello. magnificent job. I failed to expect this kind of. This is a good story. Thanks!

  42. Pingback: Honey Badger Hockey League | A picture is worth a thousand words, err Pucks

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