The USA Hockey Blog 3 – USA Defeats Czechs, Next Up Canada, Russia Eliminated, Kessel Is The Olympic Points Leader

The Russians suck and they don’t know why. Doesn’t matter now, their bitch asses are eliminated. Even better, USA went straight bananas on the Czechs to advance to the semifinals to take on Canada in the most epic rematch of all-time.

Kessel don’t stop won’t stop – It’s official. Kessel isn’t human. He ascended down from another planet where fat dudes skate like the wind and have lightning in their hands. Science doesn’t apply to this guy. He’s a fat slob that plays like a superhuman hockey playing demi-god. His goal against the Czechs put him at 5 goals and 3 assists on the tournament, currently leading all other players in points.

Phil is running on twinkies and orange soda and making the best players in the world look like fools. Imagine what this guy would be doing if he spent even a second in the gym. He’s the definition of a natural. He’s that guy that never studies for the test but shows up 20 minutes late and aces the shit out of it when your dumbass spent the week cramming books down your throat just to get a C+. He’s the fat chick that could be a smoke if she lost a few pounds. Kane said that Kessel was the best guy he’s ever played with and when Kane says something I believe it. I’d buy a bomb shelter if that guy told me the sky was falling. So when he tells me Phil is that good, then he’s that fucking good.

Kane Kessel tweet

Oshie just being Oshie in warmups today…

When Backes scored with 1.8 seconds left in the first you knew there was no way in hell we were losing this game.

Canada should be afraid, very afraid…I couldn’t even decide on the three stars for this post. It was just a solid all-around team victory. Everyone gets a star!

Russia eliminated – The Russians suck and they don’t even know why. It’s just sad honestly. The Russian team is like every bad guy in the movies. The have all the ammunition in the world and shoot until the clip is empty but never hit anything. They look all menacing with there big guns and and evil uniforms but at the end of the day they didn’t do a damn thing. Just another random henchman without a name-tag, or in this case a medal.

At least Puttin enjoyed the Olympic festivities…

Poor Ovi – You will never hear me say this again, but I kinda feel bad for Ovi right now. Russia gets eliminated and goes on a Ovi hating binge to numb the pain. He’s like that carton of ice cream chicks eat after their boyfriend breakups with them. I mean they are just eating Ovi alive and for no reason. Yeah, he didn’t play great but no one did. Here’s what the Russian (don’t give a shit what his name is) coach said after the game, “Tough to explain the loss, of course, why scored so little. Players who score so many goals for their clubs, like Alex Ovechkin who scored 40 goals for his club [didn’t score]… Right now I cannot explain that.” Excuse me bro? Why are you dumping the blame on Ovi? Your whole team played like shit. Nobody scored. Nobody. What gives you the right to put the loss on him? I could have coached that roster to a win and I don’t even speak Russian you fool. Stop the Ovi hatin.

After the game every single Russian player stormed past the media and into the locker room. Ovi was the only one that stayed to face the music. He didn’t have to do that. Why wasn’t is Datsyuk? He’s your captain. Why not the coach? He was the only one that had the balls to stand up and tell his country and the rest of the world “hey, we fucked up.” You have to respect that. That’s not easy to do, especially in Russia.

Ovi’s post-game interview

Love to see my boy Tuuka doing his thing in the Olympics. Look at this epic throwback Hasek like save. I have to admit I have a bit of a soft spot for Finland. They just fly under the radar but continue to play like champions. Swag. Finland Swag.

Next up is Canada in a rematch for the ages. Friday at noon. I have all the faith in the world that the USA can dominate this game. I haven’t been impressed with Canada at all. They have been barely skating by scrub teams all tournament, I mean they almost dropped the ball against Latvia today. Latvia! It’s time they saw some real competition. USA better bring the boom, I’m looking at you Backes, Brown and Callahan. Set the tempo and knock them on their Canadian asses early and often, Phil and the boys will take care of the rest. Just another step on the golden road. USA! USA! USA!

Power Rankings:

1.) USA

2.) Sweden

3.) Canada

4.) Finland

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2 thoughts on “The USA Hockey Blog 3 – USA Defeats Czechs, Next Up Canada, Russia Eliminated, Kessel Is The Olympic Points Leader

  1. Kessel runs on beer and bratwurst, he’s from Wisconsin.

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