The 10 Commandments of Fantasy Sports

This is fantasy sports.  

Trash Talk is a Must

Trash talking is what fantasy sports is all about. If your team is terrible I’m going to remind you about it every single day. If I’m going head-to-head with you prepare for a week of ridicule and humiliation. If you beat me, it was lucky bullshit. If I beat you, it’s because I’m smarter than you and all should bow down to my greatness. “Nice new car bro, too bad you fantasy squad sucks balls tho”. No one is safe, and nothing is crossing the line. If you’re easily offended then fantasy sports ins’t for you.

Draft Day Is A Party

Drafting alone is just sad and pathetic. Pick up the phone, call up the boys, and plan a day that everyone can get together. Get boozy, get stoned (if that’s how you roll), stuff face, throw the game on TV, and go to draft city bitch. Make a night out of it. Use it as an excuse to ditch the girlfriend or wife for a day and get weird with the boys. If you’re not drunk and fat by the time the draft is over you’re doing it wrong.

Team Names Matter

If your team name is your last name do me a favor and please jump off a cliff and die. Not giving your team a well thought out name is like showing up to a party in your work clothes. You just don’t belong. Like what the fuck are you doing here? Go home bro, you’re scaring the girls. (List of awesome names to consider)

Come In Last, Your Ass Is Grass

There should only be one thing as important than coming in first place, and that’s NOT coming in last place. If you are the sorry SOB that comes in last place then be prepared for a punishing off-season filled with humiliation. This is where your league can get real creative. Make this guy change his team name and picture to something terrible for the entire next season (be ruthless, pick something that this dude is going to hate looking at for the next nine months). Make him dye his hair bright pink for a week. Put a “I like fat chicks” bumper sticker on his car. Make him drink until he pukes all over himself. The possibilities are endless.

Get a Trophy

Money is always good. But money lasts a couple weeks while a trophy lasts forever. Go online, buy a trophy, and embroider the champion’s team name and year on it. Display it in your room and when your friends come over use it to remind them that you’re smarter than they are and an overall greater human being. In ten years there will be a list of winners on the trophy that will bring up awesome memories of drunk drafting with your boys. That’s better than money.

Pick Your Commissioner Wisely 

This is the guy that gets shit done. He sets up the draft, collects the money, sends out league invitations, creates all the settings, and everything between. So it’s probably not a good idea to give the position to a fucking idiot. Your bro that’s super busy at work isn’t a good idea. Your stoner friend that forgets what he had for breakfast, also not the best choice. Pick someone that you trust. Someone who’s in front of a computer a lot and will take the time to set shit up. There’s nothing worse than getting pumped for draft day just to find out half the league doesn’t know that it even exists and the draft day wasn’t even selected. Not cool bro.

Pay Your Dues

Be a dick if you need to. That’s how you get things done. Tell your bros that they ain’t drafting shit unless they got the dough. Nothing is more annoying that tracking down your friends for money. Just bring your dues on draft day!

Go With Your Gut

Fuck, which bench player do I play this week?…Um…Shit…Okay, okay…This guy…The guy you picked gets zero points, breaks both his arms, and goes to jail. While the dude you passed on is chillin on your bench racking up points. We’ve all been there, it’s inevitable. It’s almost like these guys know when you bench them. So my only piece of advice is to just go with your gut. Just pick the dude you like watching more and forget about it. Don’t waste your time over-thinking shit like that, at the end of the day you need to ride or die with your personal favorites.

Come To Play

If you sign up to play, fucking play. Don’t draft your team and then forget about the league a week later, you’re just wasting everyone’s time and eating up players that could have been drafted by someone who actually cares. I’d rather you tell me “No! Fuck fantasy sports! I’d rather die than play that stupid shit!” than signing up and disappearing after a week or two. Have the balls to say no.

Do Your Homework

Don’t be a clown, do your research. Go into the draft with a plan. Know who’s hurt, who’s a free agent, read the projections, etc. It’s simple stuff and takes about a half hour at most. This speeds up the draft, all the teams are competitive, and no one thinks you’re retarded. All good things.

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3 thoughts on “The 10 Commandments of Fantasy Sports

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